The cruelest thing ever!

(THE MOST HORRIBLE VENT EVER!!!!)




Fucking stupid Sunday mornings! Got up, just because of something and cannot sleep, although I feel so damn tired. Horrible thoughts going through in my head and I cannot get them out! This situation is so so so so so so so so so so wrong and harsh, unfair, horrible!! And ugh, it's disgusting. Coming back and going again, it has to end, this game of mind and feelings. I have so much to learn about people 'THIS is why internet silence is good', for him HE said it meant: you still don't trust me or believe what I say, that I only like you... for me it meant: hmm, okay then, well he has a point, yet there's no reason to avoid me... what it really meant: Yes, I'll go and see the girl I cheated you with to Spain!! :D and well he sure did avoid me, not answering anything.



This time though, I've been trying to talk to someone. Friends, mainly, maybe trying to get something to support me in this and yeah. Don't ever fall in love, but most of all, don't ever give the time and effort and some decency to a person, who seems like a soulmate, feels like a soulmate, and looks at you in a worshipping way and who you'd do anything for really, because he'll just end up lying, cheating and hurting you the most horrible way ever! Next time, boys and girls, when a guy wants distance, it means - 'Yes, I'll most definitely cheat on you and fuck up with your mind!' The 'funny' thing is that, you'd THINK after everything, being first loves (HA!) , and whatever, he would have more decency towards me, but obviously not. Once a coward, always a coward. Once a cheat, always a cheat. And I guess I should have seen it coming, I mean HELLO, family issues! And sure, let's let him read this and get pissed off, see if I fucking care!!! This is my rage entry... one of many, that has gone unnoticed and whatever. But it's HIM, not me! I've been trying helplessly saving the good old moments obviously and try it 'once' more, but fucking hell am I stupid or what? Or naive, and whatever. I mean the times I've asked and 'knew', and he just TOTALLY with a fucking stupid straight face LIED to me and made me even feel guilty about it! WELL I HOPE YOU ARE PROUD (*** ****** and ****** *******!)!!! Oh, if you only had listen to the song a tad bit better. *hums it*



So let them try! In all of this though, I'm the one who hasn't done ANYTHING wrong. Don't think I haven't been (NORMALLY+ more) frustrating and doing things I shouldn't have, but in a relationship/feeling wise, I haven't done a fucking single thing wrong and I won't let anyone (especially ****** and his shitty family) tell me otherwise! But good luck to the two of them! They are fools to try and get it to work, but well let them try, see if I fucking care!!!! This time around though, it's been way way way too much!! And it's a point, where I just need to get out, I cannot understand why haven't I before really. I guess, I do believe a bit too much in people, am too NICE (have been since the summer 2011, I think!) and have feelings for him. Yeah, but well that's even stupid, I sort of would want to hide them, but well I think for the rest of the world it has been a bit too obvious that I have feelings for him already and he has been just laughing behind my back. So yeah, charmed. Meh! Even with his family probably, and the girl!! Christ on a bike!!! And not even that, I mean then I listen and try and support him, in EVERY fucking way! It's been so so so so so so so so so so so wrong!!!!!! Well I'll hope he is happy, and that's a fucking lie though, but I mean in that way that he will get what he deserves one day! And I mean if you want a life like that, well good luck, that's what you will need. I will get out of this as a better person.



USED, of course I feel used, how could I not? Seriously, do things obviously just because HE wants [b]it[/b], but without wanting me. So yeah.... okay writing that, now just upset me badly. And maybe after seriously 4 years and losing your virginity to someone like HIM, well... you'd expect something more and better, but yeah, obviously not. Maybe because of that, it was an easy fuck, tbh.



I'm fucking awesome and I'm beautiful and I'm a strong woman and now just a horrible bitch, just because she needs to be brought back in times like these. HELLO BITCHY MARITA 2007-2008! STALKING people, fucking rich coming from you. MIND GAMES; jesus your family is the expert on it!! YOU HAVING A FIT, when I talk to someone, again... WTF??? AND YOU TALKING how I cannot trust you and everything, I mean can you fucking blame me? :O HOW FUCKING DARE YOU???? YOU SHOULD BE A FUCKING ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, YOU DISGUSTING EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING!! :D Both of you!! ::puke::::puke::::puke::!!!! Breed, do whatever, have incredible sex in Mallorca and have aids, and all others that come along with it, makes me disgusted and I will get tested!! Since it's so wrong even to do that, because it is SOMEONE'S health also. But then again, who knows what ****** has lied to me anyways... ::puke::::puke::::puke:: I feel so damn fucking disgusted, violated and hurt, and angry, and everything!! And I hate his family, if I was ****** and it'd be my family, I'd probably would tell them how things are, but I'm not like that.



Trying to listen to music to boost my energy and make me feel better about myself, and I feel like tears come and I need to stop that, be a bitch, get angry!!!! GET ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know, I really thought that CHRIS PICKFORD did it all, like THE worse thing ever, but NO, it was you, my dear. You alone. Hope you are happy now and feel so so so so so so good about yourself.



My scrapbook shows I'm awesome, the reflection of the mirror shows I'm damn fucking awesome and unique!! The thing is though, that I'm not that pathetic, that everything is based on what I can get out from a situation and what I can benefit from things and how relationships are the most important stuff, even in this. A PERSON who you are matters the most, and you suck!!! So good luck!!! *waves* And don't worry, I have zero interest of trying to break up your little cheating, lying, fake bubble there. So *petpet*.



URGH! Blaergh! Bloc Party: Sunday. So unfair. So I'll cry now, so infront of him, I won't let him get to me. Of course I say things now out of anger and hurt, but I'm the better 'man' in this, which is funny even, because there really isn't even any competition in this group!! ::lol::::lol:: I always knew, I'd like that NEW GIRL -series for some reason!! Aww, fun times!!! As you can see, mixed emotions!!!



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D1NDNFZGY7k

I'll make a theme song for myself!! :P



I probably will end up deleting this journal fully at some point, to get a proper fresh start and put all the shit behind me. I just cannot be doing with all of this everywhere, really. It's difficult enough to be in this apartment at times, but hey, maybe I'll move out soon. Then also I think I need to delete him off from my life completely, no contact whatsoever. Especially not in the near future, there's no point. I need to get myself over this and I can do it, since I'm pretty awesome like that. Meaning [b]I[/b] am not afraid to look in the mirror in the morning and see who is looking back at me! And maybe I just need to dig really deep to find some sort of trust again towards PEOPLE in general, but I'm sure I'll do it. At least, maybe DOCTOR WHO and DAWSON'S CREEK, and such, will help.



And that's even worse, I mean if he had told me the truth, you know, I might have even understood, but no, he even didn't give me a chance to try and understand. :\ He just lied and obviously wanted to do the coward's way of things and hurt me most that everyone ever has done before and then just make me leave from this situation, horrible thing to do really, especially to someone you used to know (lol @ that song, btw!) But maybe he stayed here only, because it was easy for him to a certain way, storage? Money was easy to get? Sex? Food and place to stay, I guess. *shrugs* Things were given to him, whatever he really wanted or needed. :\ Hmm. If he only had been a man enough to actually get over this PROPERLY, and not like this. I guess that's the difference between him and I, he needs someONE to get over something, I just need MYSELF to get over someone/thing.



I just came back from a walk with Tessa. Such a beautiful morning, hopefully a day too. I listened to radio, no one was out there, so quiet and birds singing. So so so so beautiful. And I felt, I felt like I had to start running, so I ran... and I ran, and ran and ran and ran, probably the most I've ever done. And I ran so much and I started to cry, and I stopped and I was in a crossing and the feeling, omg, the feeling, that I cannot even describe. The beautiful day and I just felt like I had to let go of it all *tears* I looked at the sun and I felt nothing but love and hurt. :( SO UNFAIR! So I ran more and I stopped and just kept saying: make me hate him, make me hate him. Don't get me wrong, I hate what he is DOING to me, but I cannot hate him now. :(:(:( What is with that?? JESUS CHRIST, STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!



And who knows, maybe someday someone will like me again and make me feel butterflies. This ****** now, is not someone who I am in love with, or even like for that matter. I know though that this will affect my future relationships, and that scares me a bit, that's why I think maybe talking to someone might not be a bad thing either. But then again, I might not find anyone ever again, you know what, that is perfectly OKAY, since I am happy with who I am also, a bit bruised now and A LOT hurt, but I can fix that. :)



So I wrote this in the morning, after that I've been falling asleep on and off, and I feel okay for a while, and then I realise how things really are and I just sink under the blankets and close my eyes. But whenever I do it, I see them... I see him making love to me (well having sex, I guess!!) and saying her name over and over and over and over again. And I can only stop that, by starting to cry. :(:(:(



Why didn't he just let me go? Why keep leading me on? I'm worth much more than just sex and he knew I had feelings for him, he didn't need to treat me like this. :(



So I'm tired and drained. Tomorrow will be a better day, and the day after that.

Ai niin... ilmoitusluonteinen asia...

Me siskokset...

vihdoinkin tehtiin se...

aloitettiin yhteinen BLOGI!

Käykääs tsekkaas...

Sugarcoated optimism

Uusi vuosi 2012

Yay! Täytyy joskus kunnolla oikein paneutua kirjoittamaan vuoden vaihteesta ja joulunajasta sekä pienestä lomasta, mutta nyt ei siihen aika eikä halu riitä. :) Vuoden 2012 alku on ollut lupaavanoloinen, positiivinen, innostava ja rento. Huomenna alkaa taas arki ja työt, mutta ketäs tuo nyt haittaisi!

Joululahjoja tuli hirmusti, eli kaiketi olin ollut jokseenkin edes kiltti tyttö!
* Wii-pelikonsoli + London 2012 peli (aivan liian hauska peli!!)
* Hiuslämpörullajuttu
* Muutaman liian ihanan kirjan (koirista, kapaloista ja imetyksestä...)
* Handsfree-laite (aivan liian cool!)
* Muutamia älypelijuttuja
* Mehujään mallinen pesusieni (with the stick even!)
* Scrapbook välineet
* Lahjakortin indonesialaiseen päähierontaan
* 100 euron s-kauppalahjakortin
* Auton puolipeite (omg!)
* Meikkejä ihanassa rasiassa
* Muutaman CD:n
* Siivilän
* Itse tehdyn huivin ja ihanan avaimenperän kaveriltani
ja nyt tuntuu, että jotain unohtui tästäkin listasta, mutta haittaneko tuo! :)

Ostoksiakin on tullut tehtyä ja nyt olen ylpeä omistaja mm.

* Cubus-kaupan muutamille ihanille vaatteille, niin kylläkin uusi suosikkikauppani! Kaikki ne ihanat paidat, nahkakäsineet, villatakit... <3

* Ihanalle kakkulapiolle

* Ihanille maihareille...

* Ihanalle kupille (muutamallekin... )

Pelottaa, ahdistaa...

ajatella sitä, että kuinka paljon sitä on vuosien mittaan oppinut vihaamaan itseään monista syistä ja kuinka tuntuu, että ne kaikki asiat tulevat aina olemaan tässä ja nyt jumissa päässäni. Kunpa olisin saanut koiran 5-10 vuotta aiemmin, kunpa olisin voinut olla rehellisempi joistain asioista vanhemmilleni ja muillekin. Kunpa olisin tarttunut erilaisiin tilaisuuksiin aiemmin. Nyt vain ahdistaa koska kuuntelen muiden murheita, haaveita, ajatuksia ja ideoita tulevaisuudesta, menneisyydestä ja nykyhetkestäkin ja minulta odotetaan vain hymysuuta ja myöntyvän muiden tahtoon. Iloitsen, vaikka samalla, tiedän, että olen muutaman itkukohtauksen päässä totaalisesta romahduksesta.

Eilinen havahdutti jälleen, enkä tiedä kuinka monesti vielä joudun "havahtumaan" ennenkuin uskallan tai edes osaan tehdä asian suhteen mitään. Olin niin lähellä itkeä eilen. Mutta en itkenyt. Miksen? Mikä minut pysäytti ja mikä minut pysäytti etenkin suuttumasta ja huutamasta ja olemaan täysi vittumainen ämmä??? Muilta se onnistuu ja muutkin niin saa tehdä, miksi itse ajattelen, etten saisi tehdä myös samoin?

Tuskastuttaa kun tuntuu, että muut alkavat elämään ja toteuttamaan minun haaveitani, joiden vuoksi olin toiveikas ja iloinen muutamia vuosia sitten, jolloin myös samat henkilöt veti minut maan tasalle. Inhottaa, koska tuntuu, etten enää unelmoi, ja että olen jumahtunut tähän, eikä ne asiat, joita haluisin tehdä, edes onnistuisi. Tai jos jollain ihmeen kaupalla onnistuisi, se menisi kamalasti pieleen.

Ja nyt jos joku edes uskaltaa tähän mitään vastata, vastaukset varmaankin tulee olemaan sen suuntaisia, mitä juuri nyt EN TOIVO kuulevani. Mutta emt, mitä nyt tehdä? Ja miksi? Haluan ulos ja pois.

Ja nyt sssshhhhhhh.... 

Oi, näitä ihania aikoja!

Kaverit! Voihan ihana... <3

Entistä kuulimpi kapula

Tyytyväinen - MINÄ... olen. *hymy pienell' pilkkeell' silmäkulmassa*

Uudet tuulet...

Osuvaa, Glee, uusi lempparisarjani... sekä tietty tää sää ja syksyinen fiilis! Tänään sain tietää paljon taas tulevasta syksystä, talvesta, keväästä ja mahdollisesti jopa ensi kesästä! Tuleva syksy tulee tuomaan niin paljon uutta elämääni, että odotan tätä innolla. Enimmäkseen tulen rakastamaan kaikkien haasteiden määrää, joita etenkin oma työni tuo tullessaan. Ajattelin myös aloittaa uuden kielen opiskelun sekä mahdollisesti myös ruotsin kielen opiskelun, ahdistaa jo ajatus, mutta olisihan sitä kiva opiskella, ehkä - tai no ainakin edes sitä osata!

Jännää nähdä miten tulen selviytymään tulevasta syys-talvesta, etenkin kun olen jo hamunut itselleni muutamia seminaareja ja kursseja, joita haluan työni ohella suorittaa! Puhumattakaan siitä, että kuinka saan Elixia-käynnit yhdistettyä aikatauluuni ja Tessa-harrastukset myös.

Olen onnellinen siitä, mitä voin antaa toiselle ihmiselle, hyvässä ja pahassa. Laittaa toisen siihen tilanteeseen, jota hän tulee arvostamaan loppuelämän. Viikonloppu on ollut tietyllä tavalla ihanaa aikaa, mutta tietyllä tavalla olen jälleen siinä tilanteessa, jossa tunnen, että olen eristäytynyt muista enkä saa elämäni kanssa mitään tehtyä, haaveilen turvalliselta kotisohvalta! Sentään pesin olohuoneen ikkunan - sisäpuolelta... parvekeremppakin on kohtapuolin valmis ja saan laittaa partsia syksykuntoon.

Ostin MÖLKYN neljällä eurolla, ties oliko se sitten halpa vai ei... ostin myös uuden mininaulakon, joka vaan näytti niin multa, että oli pakko hommata... Ai nii, ja kohta alkaa mun oma project runaway! Mut pidetäänpäs teitä vielä jännityksessä... <3